Me: what why is my car pulling to the right (look at dashboard and see tire pressure light come one) MOTHER FU%&$R! I pull over right after the bridge and on ramp that happened to be right there. Get out sure enough FLAT!
Me: Hmmmm what do I do, change it? Call AAA... oh wait I don't have AAA! Hmm really wish I had AAA. Well better call Sissy so when I get raped and killed by a trucker she'll at least be in the know. Wouldn't want anyone wondering.
Conversate with Sissy. She says call your brother. I say alright well I'll let ya know what happens
Think to self... nah bitch you got this shit. Dig in bag for shoes that aren't my heels. Put shoes on, with socks, and get out of car to gaze upon flat tire again. Yep, still flat, only tiny keychain flashlight, 40 degrees and dark.
Go back to car! Sit in Drivers seat call lil bro, no answer. Call BIL no answer. I cuss a little and sigh A LOT!!! Roll down the passenger side window and crank up the music, it's something hateful at this point like Breaking Benjamin (If I am changing this tire I'm listening to some damn music while I do it!) get out of car, give passing cars the bird get out Donut and other things necessary to change the devil tire.
Now Ladies for those who don't know how to change a tire pay attention to this next part.
Step 1...
Get all necessary tools:
Flashlight - Even the little one on your keychain works. I know!
Donut or Spare, if you're lucky enough to have one of those, as you can tell I am unlucky
Jack - no this is not a man, it is a piece of equipment used to lift your car off of the ground after a lot of hard work and much cussing.
Jack Handle/Bar - whatever other component that makes the jack work, cause unlike a man, it's not going to just rise to the occasion!
Lug wrench - This is what is usually used as a weapon in many CSI or like shows.
Lug nut Lock Key - This is important cause many cars come with one lug nut that has a pretty design in it. This isn't for looks ladies, it is so your tires can't just disappear in the middle of the night.
Step 2...
Loosen lug nuts:
Now some of you ladies may have great upper body strength. I do not, which will explain this next method.
-Put the Lug wrench on the first lug nut make sure it is at a horizontal angle pointing towards the back of the car for those who can't comprehend Lefty-Loosey/Righty-Tighty.
- Then step up onto the bar with both feet (hold onto the car to keep balance) if lug nut holds firmly, cuss at your tire shop for tightening them so much the last time, and then begin bouncing up and down, even maybe a little jump until lug nut gives way. Make sure not to fall to the ground when this happens. Remember women are all about poise and balance (BAHAHAHA)
-Continue onto rest of lug nuts. For that lug nut that is locked put the key (usually found in the glove compartment) on then attach the lug wrench to that and follow above instructions.
-Remember we are just loosening them not taking them completely off.
Step 3...
Jacking up the Car:
-Take jack and put it under the car, locate a solid part of the car. You'll be really angry if you rip your fender off because you don't understand the meaning of solid. You will have to get dirty here ladies. Usually you can locate the solid metal frame about a foot in from the side of your car. But you want it closer to the tire that is FLAT it's wasted effort to jack up the whole side of your car.
- Attach jack bar and begin jacking. This part sucks. So feel free to cuss a lot.
- Keep jacking it takes longer than you think.
- Once tire is off the ground loosen the lug nuts the rest of the way and either put them in your pocket or put them somewhere where you won't kick them cause in the dark they will be hard to find and they are VERY IMPORTANT you need ALL of THEM.
- take off the flat tire and lay it on it's side by the trunk (I say lay it all the way down cause we don't want it rolling into traffic now do we?!)
Step 4...
Putting on Donut or Spare:
- I have found that it is easiest to hold spare, sit on your ass (in the puddle that you will always seem to park in), with you legs in a V going under the car and the lug posts in between them. This way you can rest the donut or spare on your legs and use them to help you lift it up.
- Once on, hand turn a few lug nuts into place.
- Then begin putting on the rest of the lug nuts and hand-tighten as much as possible
Step 5...
Releasing Jack:
- Remember Lefty-Loosey do this until you can slide the jack out from under the car.
Step 6...
Tightening Lug Nuts:
-Apply lug wrench Righty-Tighty. Tighten as much as possible using upper body strength. Then use the same "standing on and bouncing" tactic as before.
- I like to tighten in a particular order, I pick one then do the one across from it. I kind of go in a Star pattern until all are tightened.
Step 6...
Celebrate & Feel empowered
In my case I didn't do this for long cause it was dark and I was Cold and my odds of being raped and killed by a trucker were increasing.
Step 7...
Put everything away if you're OCD or in my case throw it wherever it will go and get in the car.
Drive the rest of the way with your flashers on cause you are only suppose to go 45-50 MPH on a Donut. After about 1.5 hours of this humiliation I decided that was more of a guideline than a rule, and I was willing to take the chance.
If you had a Spare tire... well you can drive the speed limit and you can also FRO!
Thank you & GOOD DAY
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