Feminist? No. Realist? Yes. Men? Estupit!

Let's hope my mother never gets Facebook, finds out about this blog and sees this post.

There are a few things I love about being a woman; The cat call of a passing motorist, the casual ass grab as you walk by a group of dudes, the loving pet names thrown at you by strangers such as, hottie, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous etc. I also love that up-down look the dudes give you and then follow it with a groan like they just put their "P" in your "V". HOLD UP... I dislike all these things, hate in fact. 

If you do anyone of these things to me, I am ultimately thinking this ---------> 

I have learned a lot about guys in all my years of being around them. I've learned there is no amount of nagging that will get them to do something because they want to, they are doing it to get you to shut up. They see clutter and not filth. Therefore, the coffee cup will be clean and put away, however that coffee ring on the counter will forever linger. You will save yourself massive frustration if you just realize it's as easy for you to put down the toilet seat as it is him. Men are capable of laundry, incapable of folding it.

Recently a realization hit me. When a girl sleeps with a guy,dudes believe it ultimately means she wants to have his spawn. Men must think, "gosh, what girl wouldn't want to be that lucky one that gets to endure 9 months of pregnancy, however many hours of excruciatingly painful labor, irreversible body changes and extreme responsibility for another human being for 18 years, if not the rest of their life. You lucky little fox you!" Maybe not in that exact wording but toe-may-toe; toe-matte-toe.

Then because most men are reactive and not proactive they will ultimately ask if you're on birth control, this question really doesn't mean much because you give them even the tiniest glimpse of the "gates of heaven" and they are rushing that thing like you're offering up 50 yard line, front row superbowl tickets. Every dude then of course, panics, seems to be the only thing he can think about... "Did I hear her answer to my single attempt at responsibility?". So they inevitably ask, "Should we get the morning after pill?" I enjoy this question; 1. because it brings about this blanket of awkwardness that can even be felt like a thick, dewy fog through a text message. & 2. because it reminds me of my above realization about guys, "every girl who is lucky enough to sleep with them, obviously only did it to create a mini-them, cause they are just so damn awesome." When I realized, this had to be the only logical reason for this question I found myself strangely angry. Especially cause it's usually followed up with a, "I only ask cause I am just not ready for a kid/baby/awesome lil mini-me." A few things went through my mind much like Hurricane Katrina went through the south...

Do you honestly think I am some brain-dead twit with no aspirations in life, willing to make such poor decisions, throw away my dreams to become a frumpy single mother of a, most likely, bastard child (I come to this conclusion due to the question) of a self-important asshole, who will make me take him to court to get even a dime out of him to support his "awesome" spawn?!

Gosh, what a relief YOU didn't want a baby.

Whew, I don't know about you but I feel better. So much like the toilet seat, I have learned it is easier to be proactive with my lady parts by keeping myself protected against babies and shield the world from reproduction of the mistake mommy made back in her 20's.

Good Day!

Let's Hear it for the Word "BUT"

BUT is a three letter word, yes I can count, hooray for me. Even though it is such a little itty-bitty word, it sure can pack a punch, much like Mike Tyson. You know when the word BUT is said, any previous statement is going to be fully recanted.

I'm sorry, BUT... that dress that isn't flattering on your body shape (Apologize again bitch for calling me fat!!).

You look really good in that tank, BUT... the color is just off (Yeah well you keep talking and I'm going to knock that smirk right OFF your pug looking face!).

No your zit is barely noticeable, BUT... (I'm not even going to end this one, BUT alone says it all).

You are so much better than him, BUT... isn't he dating your best friend now?! (This is the worst because you don't know whether to be offended or stick up for your friend!)


I think of all the things that BUT follows No Offense is the best. It's like a knee to the groin, jab to the throat and ends in a punishing KO. No Offense is one of my favorite things people say because any statement that starts with it, usually ends in awkward silence (And you should know by now, I LIVE FOR AWKWARD). Those who use No Offense usually feel as though the statement has released them from being labeled a bitch and has readied the other person for the verbal abuse they are about to throw at them with their forked tongue.

You're my BFF and I really like you two together and you know I'm friends with his ex. No offense, BUT... I think him and his ex are going to get back together (Did I just see your under shirt that doesn't have a superman symbol, in fact, it says, "TEAM EX-GIRLFRIEND"?!).

Oh he's really sweet and you can tell he really digs you. No offense, BUT... I think you can do better. (Oh well thank you for your input. Feel free however to shut the f&*K up! You're single and independent?! No offense, BUT... isn't your uterus getting a bit dusty?!)

Please don't be offended, BUT... I think you need to go up a size. (Oh well since you said please I won't go back into the dressing room, cry and promise myself to never eat again.)

Just remember when saying nice things the word BUT is going to make you seem like an ASS.

Good Day!!!

Gym Time Theory... interpreted by Yours Truly

Each day at lunch I go to the gym with two of my good chic friends, Em and V. On the weekends I go alone. Each time I am there I have these random thoughts about the people I see working out. I am a HUGE people watcher. Some of these theories and thoughts I have shared with my girls, others I have not. Here is what I have come up with...

THE lookatme-lookatme-lookatme's:
These lovely ladies make me want to remove my uterus. I believe they are solely responsible for men thinking women are dainty, fragile, high-maintenance, incapable of independence and in need or rescuing. After being around them I am in need of rescuing... from my homicidal thoughts.

These girls are easy to spot:

In the locker room they are the ones PUTTING ON makeup BEFORE they have worked out. (Never have I wanted to slap an eyeliner out of someone's hands more!!) Spritzing perfume! (I don't need an asthma attack before my workout ladies) Making sure their hair is perfect. (GAG) Queueing up the latest Lady GAGA, Justin Beiber and Britney Spears tracks. (I am not 100% that this is what they listen to but meh, this is my blog!)

On the Gym Floor they are the ones in the LATEST workout fashions. Nothing screams lookatme-lookatme-lookatme!! like some fluorescent workout gear and brand new pair of shoes. You will usually spot them walking around. This is because they get extremely parched doing their 1 set of 4 reps on the machine and need a water break between sets. They are also the ones that feel the treadmill, bike or elliptical are god's gift to the gym and they will worship them for like 10 whole minutes. (GO You!!!) They are also only wearing one earbud because what if that hot dude over there who (I will admit) looks damn good doing his squats, with 30 lbs weights in each hand, his salt and pepper hair, rippling muscles, great ass... whoa whoa, sorry! Got off track. What if that hot dude may want to talk to me. They are always available for social hour. Oh and they are usually travelling in packs, if solo they have this look on their face like, I'm lost, can anyone tell me where my master is?!

THE PRANCERS:
These are the dudes that workout really hard... when you're watching. Then they walk around all puffed up, giving every girl the up-down and then an acceptable nod or a look of disgust (Who are you to judge, you tool. You're wearing a wife beater, sneakers with a hole in them and shorts that go down past your knees *look of disgust*). You must keep an eye out for these dudes cause they are on the prowl. Once they have put their gaze upon you (god forbid) they then are going to wait for an opening to either:
Give you tips
Give you the noticeable up-down (not flattering guys)
Try to save you from the big bad machine that you surely have got too much weight on, cause "oh gosh you are just too small to possibly be able to lift all that weight."
Spot you
Some will just be BOLD and stand right in front of you motioning for you to take out your earbuds (warning! if you don't remove your earbud they may reach out and take it out for you).

THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL:
I don't know if every gym has one, but my gym does!!! She is very pretty. She isn't quite a "lookatme-lookatme-lookatme", the phenomenal body she has proves it! She does squats and you can't help but stare at her booty and neither can anyone else. She is cocky and all the dudes seem to always need to be doing some workout right by her. I have stared and boy has she motivated me to work that much harder at the gym. However, NOW it is on cause this girl does not take well to being locked in a walk-by stare-down (I don't take kindly cause I am the one that stares until people are uncomfortable, I am unsure why, I just do). Now when I see her I can't help but wonder... was the stare down the result of her sizing me up? Maybe, she doesn't realize it's socially unacceptable to stare, like I do. Hmmmm...

THE CHIC WHO KNOWS ALL THE RIGHT MOVES:
This is the girl who is most likely a personal trainer of some sort. Her downfall however, attention. She has a great body. She would be the one the people stare at. Her strength alone is impressive. What's not impressive... How she will talk to every Tom, Dick & Harry that throw a smirk her way (Have some self-respect).

MY GROUP:
Oh I love my gym girlies! We are those obnoxious girls. Why wouldn't we be... I'm obnoxious (I will apologize now). We are there to workout, we have BOTH earbuds in at all times, unless we are within a 5 ft. radius of another. We do our own workouts, we don't travel in a pack other than end of workout mat time (this is the time we do floor exercises, abs, stretching). We have a protocol and it is to be obnoxious (I think it's more my protocol then theirs, once again... sorry friends). When we pass eachother in the gym we get a bit....... odd. We throw out the inevitable cheesy-one-liner, examples include:
Ooooh, I see you baby, shakin that ass. (Me)
Nice bum, where ya from? (Em)
Oooh-la-la (V)

The list goes on and on. These lines are thrown out quickly in passing, earbuds go back in and working out resumes.

During mat time, we (mostly me) say obnoxious things to inspire laughter when the others are trying to concentrate. These things are not said quietly, once or twice we may, or may not have been told we are a distraction. These things are said to try to get the other person to either fall off the ball, lose count, forced to stop due to embarassment and/or laugh. Yes I love MY GROUP and no we are not currently accepting applications (especially you BLONDE BOMBSHELL, I see what you're up to).

Welp, that about wraps it up. Yes I am judgmental, but so are you!!!

Good day!