Once upon a time there was this beautiful princess and she loved many things...
Once upon a time there was this amazing prince charming....
Once upon a time a long time ago there was a castle and in this castle lived a beautiful princess and a charming prince...
Once upon a time girls dreamed of fairy tales, princes, knights of shining armor or even beautiful princesses (I don't judge). Now it's glitter covered, blood sucking, stone people or dogs. Meh, in all reality it was probably those damn fairy tales that paved the way for this tragic turn of events. Come on ladies the closest thing you're getting to prince charming, a glittery dude or a dog is giving the nerdy kid a chance, David Archueletta or McGruff the Crime dog... Go get 'em or get new Dreams! I vote the latter!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Feminist? No. Realist? Yes. Men? Estupit!
Let's hope my mother never gets Facebook, finds out about this blog and sees this post.
I have learned a lot about guys in all my years of being around them. I've learned there is no amount of nagging that will get them to do something because they want to, they are doing it to get you to shut up. They see clutter and not filth. Therefore, the coffee cup will be clean and put away, however that coffee ring on the counter will forever linger. You will save yourself massive frustration if you just realize it's as easy for you to put down the toilet seat as it is him. Men are capable of laundry, incapable of folding it.
Recently a realization hit me. When a girl sleeps with a guy,dudes believe it ultimately means she wants to have his spawn. Men must think, "gosh, what girl wouldn't want to be that lucky one that gets to endure 9 months of pregnancy, however many hours of excruciatingly painful labor, irreversible body changes and extreme responsibility for another human being for 18 years, if not the rest of their life. You lucky little fox you!" Maybe not in that exact wording but toe-may-toe; toe-matte-toe.
Then because most men are reactive and not proactive they will ultimately ask if you're on birth control, this question really doesn't mean much because you give them even the tiniest glimpse of the "gates of heaven" and they are rushing that thing like you're offering up 50 yard line, front row superbowl tickets. Every dude then of course, panics, seems to be the only thing he can think about... "Did I hear her answer to my single attempt at responsibility?". So they inevitably ask, "Should we get the morning after pill?" I enjoy this question; 1. because it brings about this blanket of awkwardness that can even be felt like a thick, dewy fog through a text message. & 2. because it reminds me of my above realization about guys, "every girl who is lucky enough to sleep with them, obviously only did it to create a mini-them, cause they are just so damn awesome." When I realized, this had to be the only logical reason for this question I found myself strangely angry. Especially cause it's usually followed up with a, "I only ask cause I am just not ready for a kid/baby/awesome lil mini-me." A few things went through my mind much like Hurricane Katrina went through the south...
Do you honestly think I am some brain-dead twit with no aspirations in life, willing to make such poor decisions, throw away my dreams to become a frumpy single mother of a, most likely, bastard child (I come to this conclusion due to the question) of a self-important asshole, who will make me take him to court to get even a dime out of him to support his "awesome" spawn?!
Gosh, what a relief YOU didn't want a baby.
Whew, I don't know about you but I feel better. So much like the toilet seat, I have learned it is easier to be proactive with my lady parts by keeping myself protected against babies and shield the world from reproduction of the mistake mommy made back in her 20's.
Good Day!
There are a few things I love about being a woman; The cat call of a passing motorist, the casual ass grab as you walk by a group of dudes, the loving pet names thrown at you by strangers such as, hottie, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous etc. I also love that up-down look the dudes give you and then follow it with a groan like they just put their "P" in your "V". HOLD UP... I dislike all these things, hate in fact.
If you do anyone of these things to me, I am ultimately thinking this ---------> 
I have learned a lot about guys in all my years of being around them. I've learned there is no amount of nagging that will get them to do something because they want to, they are doing it to get you to shut up. They see clutter and not filth. Therefore, the coffee cup will be clean and put away, however that coffee ring on the counter will forever linger. You will save yourself massive frustration if you just realize it's as easy for you to put down the toilet seat as it is him. Men are capable of laundry, incapable of folding it.
Recently a realization hit me. When a girl sleeps with a guy,dudes believe it ultimately means she wants to have his spawn. Men must think, "gosh, what girl wouldn't want to be that lucky one that gets to endure 9 months of pregnancy, however many hours of excruciatingly painful labor, irreversible body changes and extreme responsibility for another human being for 18 years, if not the rest of their life. You lucky little fox you!" Maybe not in that exact wording but toe-may-toe; toe-matte-toe.
Then because most men are reactive and not proactive they will ultimately ask if you're on birth control, this question really doesn't mean much because you give them even the tiniest glimpse of the "gates of heaven" and they are rushing that thing like you're offering up 50 yard line, front row superbowl tickets. Every dude then of course, panics, seems to be the only thing he can think about... "Did I hear her answer to my single attempt at responsibility?". So they inevitably ask, "Should we get the morning after pill?" I enjoy this question; 1. because it brings about this blanket of awkwardness that can even be felt like a thick, dewy fog through a text message. & 2. because it reminds me of my above realization about guys, "every girl who is lucky enough to sleep with them, obviously only did it to create a mini-them, cause they are just so damn awesome." When I realized, this had to be the only logical reason for this question I found myself strangely angry. Especially cause it's usually followed up with a, "I only ask cause I am just not ready for a kid/baby/awesome lil mini-me." A few things went through my mind much like Hurricane Katrina went through the south...
Do you honestly think I am some brain-dead twit with no aspirations in life, willing to make such poor decisions, throw away my dreams to become a frumpy single mother of a, most likely, bastard child (I come to this conclusion due to the question) of a self-important asshole, who will make me take him to court to get even a dime out of him to support his "awesome" spawn?!
Gosh, what a relief YOU didn't want a baby.
Whew, I don't know about you but I feel better. So much like the toilet seat, I have learned it is easier to be proactive with my lady parts by keeping myself protected against babies and shield the world from reproduction of the mistake mommy made back in her 20's.
Good Day!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Let's Hear it for the Word "BUT"
BUT is a three letter word, yes I can count, hooray for me. Even though it is such a little itty-bitty word, it sure can pack a punch, much like Mike Tyson. You know when the word BUT is said, any previous statement is going to be fully recanted.
I'm sorry, BUT... that dress that isn't flattering on your body shape (Apologize again bitch for calling me fat!!).
You look really good in that tank, BUT... the color is just off (Yeah well you keep talking and I'm going to knock that smirk right OFF your pug looking face!).
No your zit is barely noticeable, BUT... (I'm not even going to end this one, BUT alone says it all).
You are so much better than him, BUT... isn't he dating your best friend now?! (This is the worst because you don't know whether to be offended or stick up for your friend!)
I think of all the things that BUT follows No Offense is the best. It's like a knee to the groin, jab to the throat and ends in a punishing KO. No Offense is one of my favorite things people say because any statement that starts with it, usually ends in awkward silence (And you should know by now, I LIVE FOR AWKWARD). Those who use No Offense usually feel as though the statement has released them from being labeled a bitch and has readied the other person for the verbal abuse they are about to throw at them with their forked tongue.
You're my BFF and I really like you two together and you know I'm friends with his ex. No offense, BUT... I think him and his ex are going to get back together (Did I just see your under shirt that doesn't have a superman symbol, in fact, it says, "TEAM EX-GIRLFRIEND"?!).
Oh he's really sweet and you can tell he really digs you. No offense, BUT... I think you can do better. (Oh well thank you for your input. Feel free however to shut the f&*K up! You're single and independent?! No offense, BUT... isn't your uterus getting a bit dusty?!)
Please don't be offended, BUT... I think you need to go up a size. (Oh well since you said please I won't go back into the dressing room, cry and promise myself to never eat again.)
Just remember when saying nice things the word BUT is going to make you seem like an ASS.
Good Day!!!
I'm sorry, BUT... that dress that isn't flattering on your body shape (Apologize again bitch for calling me fat!!).
You look really good in that tank, BUT... the color is just off (Yeah well you keep talking and I'm going to knock that smirk right OFF your pug looking face!).
No your zit is barely noticeable, BUT... (I'm not even going to end this one, BUT alone says it all).
You are so much better than him, BUT... isn't he dating your best friend now?! (This is the worst because you don't know whether to be offended or stick up for your friend!)
I think of all the things that BUT follows No Offense is the best. It's like a knee to the groin, jab to the throat and ends in a punishing KO. No Offense is one of my favorite things people say because any statement that starts with it, usually ends in awkward silence (And you should know by now, I LIVE FOR AWKWARD). Those who use No Offense usually feel as though the statement has released them from being labeled a bitch and has readied the other person for the verbal abuse they are about to throw at them with their forked tongue.
You're my BFF and I really like you two together and you know I'm friends with his ex. No offense, BUT... I think him and his ex are going to get back together (Did I just see your under shirt that doesn't have a superman symbol, in fact, it says, "TEAM EX-GIRLFRIEND"?!).
Oh he's really sweet and you can tell he really digs you. No offense, BUT... I think you can do better. (Oh well thank you for your input. Feel free however to shut the f&*K up! You're single and independent?! No offense, BUT... isn't your uterus getting a bit dusty?!)
Please don't be offended, BUT... I think you need to go up a size. (Oh well since you said please I won't go back into the dressing room, cry and promise myself to never eat again.)
Just remember when saying nice things the word BUT is going to make you seem like an ASS.
Good Day!!!
Gym Time Theory... interpreted by Yours Truly
Each day at lunch I go to the gym with two of my good chic friends, Em and V. On the weekends I go alone. Each time I am there I have these random thoughts about the people I see working out. I am a HUGE people watcher. Some of these theories and thoughts I have shared with my girls, others I have not. Here is what I have come up with...
THE lookatme-lookatme-lookatme's:
These lovely ladies make me want to remove my uterus. I believe they are solely responsible for men thinking women are dainty, fragile, high-maintenance, incapable of independence and in need or rescuing. After being around them I am in need of rescuing... from my homicidal thoughts.
These girls are easy to spot:
In the locker room they are the ones PUTTING ON makeup BEFORE they have worked out. (Never have I wanted to slap an eyeliner out of someone's hands more!!) Spritzing perfume! (I don't need an asthma attack before my workout ladies) Making sure their hair is perfect. (GAG) Queueing up the latest Lady GAGA, Justin Beiber and Britney Spears tracks. (I am not 100% that this is what they listen to but meh, this is my blog!)
On the Gym Floor they are the ones in the LATEST workout fashions. Nothing screams lookatme-lookatme-lookatme!! like some fluorescent workout gear and brand new pair of shoes. You will usually spot them walking around. This is because they get extremely parched doing their 1 set of 4 reps on the machine and need a water break between sets. They are also the ones that feel the treadmill, bike or elliptical are god's gift to the gym and they will worship them for like 10 whole minutes. (GO You!!!) They are also only wearing one earbud because what if that hot dude over there who (I will admit) looks damn good doing his squats, with 30 lbs weights in each hand, his salt and pepper hair, rippling muscles, great ass... whoa whoa, sorry! Got off track. What if that hot dude may want to talk to me. They are always available for social hour. Oh and they are usually travelling in packs, if solo they have this look on their face like, I'm lost, can anyone tell me where my master is?!
THE PRANCERS:
These are the dudes that workout really hard... when you're watching. Then they walk around all puffed up, giving every girl the up-down and then an acceptable nod or a look of disgust (Who are you to judge, you tool. You're wearing a wife beater, sneakers with a hole in them and shorts that go down past your knees *look of disgust*). You must keep an eye out for these dudes cause they are on the prowl. Once they have put their gaze upon you (god forbid) they then are going to wait for an opening to either:
Give you tips
Give you the noticeable up-down (not flattering guys)
Try to save you from the big bad machine that you surely have got too much weight on, cause "oh gosh you are just too small to possibly be able to lift all that weight."
Spot you
Some will just be BOLD and stand right in front of you motioning for you to take out your earbuds (warning! if you don't remove your earbud they may reach out and take it out for you).
THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL:
I don't know if every gym has one, but my gym does!!! She is very pretty. She isn't quite a "lookatme-lookatme-lookatme", the phenomenal body she has proves it! She does squats and you can't help but stare at her booty and neither can anyone else. She is cocky and all the dudes seem to always need to be doing some workout right by her. I have stared and boy has she motivated me to work that much harder at the gym. However, NOW it is on cause this girl does not take well to being locked in a walk-by stare-down (I don't take kindly cause I am the one that stares until people are uncomfortable, I am unsure why, I just do). Now when I see her I can't help but wonder... was the stare down the result of her sizing me up? Maybe, she doesn't realize it's socially unacceptable to stare, like I do. Hmmmm...
THE CHIC WHO KNOWS ALL THE RIGHT MOVES:
This is the girl who is most likely a personal trainer of some sort. Her downfall however, attention. She has a great body. She would be the one the people stare at. Her strength alone is impressive. What's not impressive... How she will talk to every Tom, Dick & Harry that throw a smirk her way (Have some self-respect).
MY GROUP:
Oh I love my gym girlies! We are those obnoxious girls. Why wouldn't we be... I'm obnoxious (I will apologize now). We are there to workout, we have BOTH earbuds in at all times, unless we are within a 5 ft. radius of another. We do our own workouts, we don't travel in a pack other than end of workout mat time (this is the time we do floor exercises, abs, stretching). We have a protocol and it is to be obnoxious (I think it's more my protocol then theirs, once again... sorry friends). When we pass eachother in the gym we get a bit....... odd. We throw out the inevitable cheesy-one-liner, examples include:
Ooooh, I see you baby, shakin that ass. (Me)
Nice bum, where ya from? (Em)
Oooh-la-la (V)
The list goes on and on. These lines are thrown out quickly in passing, earbuds go back in and working out resumes.
During mat time, we (mostly me) say obnoxious things to inspire laughter when the others are trying to concentrate. These things are not said quietly, once or twice we may, or may not have been told we are a distraction. These things are said to try to get the other person to either fall off the ball, lose count, forced to stop due to embarassment and/or laugh. Yes I love MY GROUP and no we are not currently accepting applications (especially you BLONDE BOMBSHELL, I see what you're up to).
Welp, that about wraps it up. Yes I am judgmental, but so are you!!!
Good day!
THE lookatme-lookatme-lookatme's:
These lovely ladies make me want to remove my uterus. I believe they are solely responsible for men thinking women are dainty, fragile, high-maintenance, incapable of independence and in need or rescuing. After being around them I am in need of rescuing... from my homicidal thoughts.
These girls are easy to spot:
In the locker room they are the ones PUTTING ON makeup BEFORE they have worked out. (Never have I wanted to slap an eyeliner out of someone's hands more!!) Spritzing perfume! (I don't need an asthma attack before my workout ladies) Making sure their hair is perfect. (GAG) Queueing up the latest Lady GAGA, Justin Beiber and Britney Spears tracks. (I am not 100% that this is what they listen to but meh, this is my blog!)
On the Gym Floor they are the ones in the LATEST workout fashions. Nothing screams lookatme-lookatme-lookatme!! like some fluorescent workout gear and brand new pair of shoes. You will usually spot them walking around. This is because they get extremely parched doing their 1 set of 4 reps on the machine and need a water break between sets. They are also the ones that feel the treadmill, bike or elliptical are god's gift to the gym and they will worship them for like 10 whole minutes. (GO You!!!) They are also only wearing one earbud because what if that hot dude over there who (I will admit) looks damn good doing his squats, with 30 lbs weights in each hand, his salt and pepper hair, rippling muscles, great ass... whoa whoa, sorry! Got off track. What if that hot dude may want to talk to me. They are always available for social hour. Oh and they are usually travelling in packs, if solo they have this look on their face like, I'm lost, can anyone tell me where my master is?!
THE PRANCERS:
These are the dudes that workout really hard... when you're watching. Then they walk around all puffed up, giving every girl the up-down and then an acceptable nod or a look of disgust (Who are you to judge, you tool. You're wearing a wife beater, sneakers with a hole in them and shorts that go down past your knees *look of disgust*). You must keep an eye out for these dudes cause they are on the prowl. Once they have put their gaze upon you (god forbid) they then are going to wait for an opening to either:
Give you tips
Give you the noticeable up-down (not flattering guys)
Try to save you from the big bad machine that you surely have got too much weight on, cause "oh gosh you are just too small to possibly be able to lift all that weight."
Spot you
Some will just be BOLD and stand right in front of you motioning for you to take out your earbuds (warning! if you don't remove your earbud they may reach out and take it out for you).
THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL:
I don't know if every gym has one, but my gym does!!! She is very pretty. She isn't quite a "lookatme-lookatme-lookatme", the phenomenal body she has proves it! She does squats and you can't help but stare at her booty and neither can anyone else. She is cocky and all the dudes seem to always need to be doing some workout right by her. I have stared and boy has she motivated me to work that much harder at the gym. However, NOW it is on cause this girl does not take well to being locked in a walk-by stare-down (I don't take kindly cause I am the one that stares until people are uncomfortable, I am unsure why, I just do). Now when I see her I can't help but wonder... was the stare down the result of her sizing me up? Maybe, she doesn't realize it's socially unacceptable to stare, like I do. Hmmmm...
THE CHIC WHO KNOWS ALL THE RIGHT MOVES:
This is the girl who is most likely a personal trainer of some sort. Her downfall however, attention. She has a great body. She would be the one the people stare at. Her strength alone is impressive. What's not impressive... How she will talk to every Tom, Dick & Harry that throw a smirk her way (Have some self-respect).
MY GROUP:
Oh I love my gym girlies! We are those obnoxious girls. Why wouldn't we be... I'm obnoxious (I will apologize now). We are there to workout, we have BOTH earbuds in at all times, unless we are within a 5 ft. radius of another. We do our own workouts, we don't travel in a pack other than end of workout mat time (this is the time we do floor exercises, abs, stretching). We have a protocol and it is to be obnoxious (I think it's more my protocol then theirs, once again... sorry friends). When we pass eachother in the gym we get a bit....... odd. We throw out the inevitable cheesy-one-liner, examples include:
Ooooh, I see you baby, shakin that ass. (Me)
Nice bum, where ya from? (Em)
Oooh-la-la (V)
The list goes on and on. These lines are thrown out quickly in passing, earbuds go back in and working out resumes.
During mat time, we (mostly me) say obnoxious things to inspire laughter when the others are trying to concentrate. These things are not said quietly, once or twice we may, or may not have been told we are a distraction. These things are said to try to get the other person to either fall off the ball, lose count, forced to stop due to embarassment and/or laugh. Yes I love MY GROUP and no we are not currently accepting applications (especially you BLONDE BOMBSHELL, I see what you're up to).
Welp, that about wraps it up. Yes I am judgmental, but so are you!!!
Good day!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Players play.... just not on FB
I've decided players don't have FB! You can lock up your phone like Ft. Knox and be fine usually! 
You can change your privacy settings on FB, but people you're seeing can't resist posting on your wall. It's the ultimate claiming of your territory! 
The next person you're trying to string along is GOING to try to search your name on FB and try to friend you! Don't kid yourself, you know you have looked up that special someone on FB *cough* stalked... I mean looked up! So if you decline their friend request the world has just ended basically, there is no greater F*ck Right Off than not friending someone.
And if you accept you will spend an hour (if you are one lucky SOB) explaining why so-and-so said, "OMG let's play again!!!!! I had such a great night the other night!!!!" with all their <3's and ;)'s This basically means you.are.BUSTED!!!! The amount of time or participation spent on FB will NOT stop these people from claiming your page, like it's their own fire hydrant!
This is why you should avoid people who say things like:
This is why you should avoid people who say things like:
FB is so much Drama (of course it is if all the playee's find out about eachother)
FB is pointless (I am currently signed up on FriendFinder my user name is SINGLEnREADY2MINGLE459)FB is so personal (Blah Blah Blah I'm a dirty tramp)
This is why players don't have FB!
Thank you & Good Day!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Stripper Slime
When home it never ever fails. I end up at this strip club. It reminds me much of that Ke$ha song:
Actually it's really not that nice! But it is World Famous... or so they claim. Although I've bought a lot of things, I am currently not in the market for that horse puckey. Anyways, getting off track here! Me and my Native Beauty go to the restroom or I suppose in this case you could call it the Shithole (literally) within the Shithole! I use the bathroom, then she does. All the while I am trying not to touch the walls, other people, most definitely the strippers and sure as hell NOT touching the sink. Did I mention this bathroom is a stifling 100 degrees with carpeted tiger print walls. OH YEAAAAHHH!
Stripper: OMG OMG! (I'm not abbreviating here she verbalized the 3 letter acryonym)
Me: Cock my eyebrow in a questionable manner but am scared to open my mouth in fear of airborne diseases.
Stripper: Where are my panties?
Me: Look down (she's wearing two thongs) * Condescending voice* Uh... You're wearing them?!
Native Beauty from restroom stall that is closed off by a velvet curtian (ewwy): AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stripper: No, I wear three pairs, this club is sooooooo dirty! Exits bathroom!
I think to myself... The stripper really just said this club is SOOOOOOOOO dirty and yet I will see her dry humping some dude in one of the stripper slimed velvet chairs right outside this very door in a little bit, I AM SURE OF IT!!!! Instead, I see her picking panty #3 up off the ground. Yes I WOULD totally be putting those back on, especially since this club is sooooooo dirty. All in all it was a great night!
Good Day!
Actually it's really not that nice! But it is World Famous... or so they claim. Although I've bought a lot of things, I am currently not in the market for that horse puckey. Anyways, getting off track here! Me and my Native Beauty go to the restroom or I suppose in this case you could call it the Shithole (literally) within the Shithole! I use the bathroom, then she does. All the while I am trying not to touch the walls, other people, most definitely the strippers and sure as hell NOT touching the sink. Did I mention this bathroom is a stifling 100 degrees with carpeted tiger print walls. OH YEAAAAHHH!
Stripper: OMG OMG! (I'm not abbreviating here she verbalized the 3 letter acryonym)
Me: Cock my eyebrow in a questionable manner but am scared to open my mouth in fear of airborne diseases.
Stripper: Where are my panties?
Me: Look down (she's wearing two thongs) * Condescending voice* Uh... You're wearing them?!
Native Beauty from restroom stall that is closed off by a velvet curtian (ewwy): AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stripper: No, I wear three pairs, this club is sooooooo dirty! Exits bathroom!
I think to myself... The stripper really just said this club is SOOOOOOOOO dirty and yet I will see her dry humping some dude in one of the stripper slimed velvet chairs right outside this very door in a little bit, I AM SURE OF IT!!!! Instead, I see her picking panty #3 up off the ground. Yes I WOULD totally be putting those back on, especially since this club is sooooooo dirty. All in all it was a great night!
Good Day!
FLAT TIRES... SMH
The trip started out amazing... cruising along with the sunroof open jamming to some old school Shania Twain. Yeah that's right... you heard me! Then I get over "The Sisters" those treacherous bitches and pop goes my tire! Here is the conversation I had with myself and a few others:
Me: what why is my car pulling to the right (look at dashboard and see tire pressure light come one) MOTHER FU%&$R! I pull over right after the bridge and on ramp that happened to be right there. Get out sure enough FLAT!
Me: Hmmmm what do I do, change it? Call AAA... oh wait I don't have AAA! Hmm really wish I had AAA. Well better call Sissy so when I get raped and killed by a trucker she'll at least be in the know. Wouldn't want anyone wondering.
Conversate with Sissy. She says call your brother. I say alright well I'll let ya know what happens
Think to self... nah bitch you got this shit. Dig in bag for shoes that aren't my heels. Put shoes on, with socks, and get out of car to gaze upon flat tire again. Yep, still flat, only tiny keychain flashlight, 40 degrees and dark.
Go back to car! Sit in Drivers seat call lil bro, no answer. Call BIL no answer. I cuss a little and sigh A LOT!!! Roll down the passenger side window and crank up the music, it's something hateful at this point like Breaking Benjamin (If I am changing this tire I'm listening to some damn music while I do it!) get out of car, give passing cars the bird get out Donut and other things necessary to change the devil tire.
Now Ladies for those who don't know how to change a tire pay attention to this next part.
Step 1...
Get all necessary tools:
Flashlight - Even the little one on your keychain works. I know!
Donut or Spare, if you're lucky enough to have one of those, as you can tell I am unlucky
Jack - no this is not a man, it is a piece of equipment used to lift your car off of the ground after a lot of hard work and much cussing.
Jack Handle/Bar - whatever other component that makes the jack work, cause unlike a man, it's not going to just rise to the occasion!
Lug wrench - This is what is usually used as a weapon in many CSI or like shows.
Lug nut Lock Key - This is important cause many cars come with one lug nut that has a pretty design in it. This isn't for looks ladies, it is so your tires can't just disappear in the middle of the night.
Step 2...
Loosen lug nuts:
Now some of you ladies may have great upper body strength. I do not, which will explain this next method.
-Put the Lug wrench on the first lug nut make sure it is at a horizontal angle pointing towards the back of the car for those who can't comprehend Lefty-Loosey/Righty-Tighty.
- Then step up onto the bar with both feet (hold onto the car to keep balance) if lug nut holds firmly, cuss at your tire shop for tightening them so much the last time, and then begin bouncing up and down, even maybe a little jump until lug nut gives way. Make sure not to fall to the ground when this happens. Remember women are all about poise and balance (BAHAHAHA)
-Continue onto rest of lug nuts. For that lug nut that is locked put the key (usually found in the glove compartment) on then attach the lug wrench to that and follow above instructions.
-Remember we are just loosening them not taking them completely off.
Step 3...
Jacking up the Car:
-Take jack and put it under the car, locate a solid part of the car. You'll be really angry if you rip your fender off because you don't understand the meaning of solid. You will have to get dirty here ladies. Usually you can locate the solid metal frame about a foot in from the side of your car. But you want it closer to the tire that is FLAT it's wasted effort to jack up the whole side of your car.
- Attach jack bar and begin jacking. This part sucks. So feel free to cuss a lot.
- Keep jacking it takes longer than you think.
- Once tire is off the ground loosen the lug nuts the rest of the way and either put them in your pocket or put them somewhere where you won't kick them cause in the dark they will be hard to find and they are VERY IMPORTANT you need ALL of THEM.
- take off the flat tire and lay it on it's side by the trunk (I say lay it all the way down cause we don't want it rolling into traffic now do we?!)
Step 4...
Putting on Donut or Spare:
- I have found that it is easiest to hold spare, sit on your ass (in the puddle that you will always seem to park in), with you legs in a V going under the car and the lug posts in between them. This way you can rest the donut or spare on your legs and use them to help you lift it up.
- Once on, hand turn a few lug nuts into place.
- Then begin putting on the rest of the lug nuts and hand-tighten as much as possible
Step 5...
Releasing Jack:
- Remember Lefty-Loosey do this until you can slide the jack out from under the car.
Step 6...
Tightening Lug Nuts:
-Apply lug wrench Righty-Tighty. Tighten as much as possible using upper body strength. Then use the same "standing on and bouncing" tactic as before.
- I like to tighten in a particular order, I pick one then do the one across from it. I kind of go in a Star pattern until all are tightened.
Step 6...
Celebrate & Feel empowered
In my case I didn't do this for long cause it was dark and I was Cold and my odds of being raped and killed by a trucker were increasing.
Step 7...
Put everything away if you're OCD or in my case throw it wherever it will go and get in the car.
Drive the rest of the way with your flashers on cause you are only suppose to go 45-50 MPH on a Donut. After about 1.5 hours of this humiliation I decided that was more of a guideline than a rule, and I was willing to take the chance.
If you had a Spare tire... well you can drive the speed limit and you can also FRO!
Thank you & GOOD DAY
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